I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
