oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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