Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
