I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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