i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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