i just sent this text using only my big toe
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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