I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
