i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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