I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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