By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think I won the penis lottery.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
