so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
