My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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