I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
