If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
