My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
