why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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