he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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