I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
