Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
