I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
