I am spending my child support on dildos
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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