I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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