I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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