I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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