Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
