Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
