i jhust puked up my retainher.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
