I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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