There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
