I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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