we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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