I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
