No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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