This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
