I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
