im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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