so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
