its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
