oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
