Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
