i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
