i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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