I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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