Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
