she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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