Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
