I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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