This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
