I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
