God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
